over and over and over again: Expectations & Re-committing your life to Christ

hello everybody!!! HAPPY 2019! holy cow, did 2018 FLY BY! anyways, I hope that you all had a fresh start to the new year!!! which you know what that means!!!! RESOLUTIONS BABY! (betcha saw that one coming) I have a few thoughts on the expectations as I personally am transitioning from a dark, weird, confusing place in my life. I am also gonna tack on how to overcome these expectations by learning how to re-commit your life to Jesus.

First of all, we set expectations for many things: the new year, ourselves, certain events, and even OTHERS & it's important to realize the standards we set for these types of things in our lives.

 why expectations need to just GO OUT THE WINDOW!

since many of you are aware that this has been the toughest 3 months of my entire LIFE, I enjoy opening up and being honest about everything I feel although some of my feelings are incredibly hard to put into words, especially when speaking. that's why blogging/writing/journaling = LIFE!!!! (i would insert *dab* right here but i'm trying not to bring my cringy but also completely joking dab into 2019) The weeks leading up to break have been so overwhelming & scary with finals & ending GPA & my expectations when I came back home were HUGE & BEAUTIFUL & RESTFUL & when I felt like my expectations of how I act or how things were supposed to feel when I came home we’re not met, I become SO HARD ON MYSELF.  I’m sure many of you can relate!!!!! so I want to make a PSA about EXPECTATIONS: DROP THEM. It’s OKAY to feel off. It’s okay to feel weak. when you feel those things, give them STRAIGHT to God & just watch the beauty He will make outta them someday.

 Sit and more importantly REST in your trial & notice that God is right next to you. Romans 5: 1-21 gives the perfect reminder of obtaining the peace & joy of Christ THROUGH faith when we are suffering. We are taught that endurance is built through our trials and dark pain.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Do you ever feel like you have such high standards when it comes to relationships of any kind? romantic, friendships, family, or even partners in class? You want them to be the perfect, most patient, understanding person who fits you like a puzzle piece. You want to be able to laugh and joke and feel natural around them 24/7. You PRAY to Jesus that when you are paired with random people in your class that 1) they will be friendly and 2) that they will do their part and not slack off. You base your relationship off of the first INCREDIBLE encounter you had with each other and expect it to be all that and a bag of chips. This is why realizing that people are broken is SO important and that God's love will always be the most sufficient source of acceptance, peace & love. It's all about reliance & grace & repeat. Give others the grace and love that your father has given to you over and over and over. Give YOURSELF grace when your expectations for yourself aren't met.

Here are some questions I ask myself when I feel lost & don't know where to turn:

 Who are you listening to? Others voices? Your own, putting you down? or the one who created you & loves you immeasurably? 

GRACE ALWAYS. Receive & Re-commit your life

I'll be a real homie (someone pls help me heh), it's been a big adjustment for me to face that life isn't always gonna be unicorns & rainbows. & I think it's easy for Christians to believe that life will go so smoothly with Christ by their side. unfortunately, it's the opposite at times. When seasons get tough & dark, we are left feeling angry and confused as to WHY God is putting us in these circumstances. It's hard to see the light especially when we feel as things are getting better & then the devil pops back in to say hi & attempts to shake your faith once again. Which is why I would like to remind you all of how God knows exactly how you feel right now, He hears your cry for help, and He offers His grace. All He asks for is your surrender: your white flag saying, "Jesus, I cannot go on any longer without you. I feel empty without you." Learning to re-commit your life is hard. You may feel like you are decaying, faith is so small, and there is no more happiness felt in your soul. ATTENTION: this is God reminding you of how you HAVE to pick up your cross every single day. every single second.
Following Christ is not just a one time sacrifice; it’s picking up your cross every day & some days, it’s heavy & tough. Some days it’s light & freeing. I’m learning to just simply give God just one more day for me to live out His promises while I’m walking through a weird season.
GIVE was my word of 2018, and let me just emphasize on how important that simple word is. We cannot do this life on our own. So I will GIVE & let Jesus do the rest because I don’t know WHAT THE HECK I’m doing!!!!!

Jesus says, “come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest” 

Matthew 11:28!!!

This is not just rest for one circumstance in life, but a true rest we should acknowledge every moment.

Life is a series of storms and rainbows and new circumstances and changes. You have to realize God's plan is unraveling right in front of your eyes & it's BEAUTIFUL. You have to realize that it will not be easy to cruise through any change ALONE. Let God give you all of your strength. 

Nehemiah said, "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

you MUST be emptied to be filled up again!!!

As we continue to read Romans 5, we find out how important reconciliation with God is because He knows that there will be ups & downs & spins around!!!!!

                For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. 11 More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

I realize this blog post was sorta alllllll over the place but I wanted to time-stamp the thoughts that have been running though my heart and mind!!!

I have to completely give myself to the Lord; not just a little bit.... because if I’m not giving everything, I am deceiving myself & will continually be let down by the ways of this world.

to end: here is a prayer that I wrote a couple weeks ago.

This life is not mine.

I do not amaze.

God does.

I cannot live this life without God.

He is the only source of love & peace. 

I’m so broken & fragile without Him.

SO BROKEN & FRAGILE.

My God is the same God He has always been so I KNOW He will redeem me. He is asking for MORE of me. For ALL of me because my heart has become hard. a stone. that hurts but does not feel a thing. weird/confusing concept, I know.

No more of myself Jesus, all of You. ALL of you. I’m done dipping my toes. I need all of you Christ, because I am so lost, I don’t know who I am anymore. I need redemption & a miracle.

You are the only source of light & joy. You are the greatest thing I’ve ever known. The devil is strong, always on my shoulder, You are mightier. You are stronger. You are everything. Everything. My redeemer. My savior, brother & friend. Help me see your works, hear your whisper, listen & be still, be patient, be energized by Your love only. I’m done trying to prove. I’m ready to see the ways you will work through me again, and if this is a way you want to work through me, through this huge struggle, thy will be done. I’m trusting. I’m laying it down. I can’t do this on my own. Give me peace. Help me recognize your presence & love. 
Always. 

thank you to everyone who loves me & have been so encouraging & loving during this time in my life :)

XOXO, Kels