long time, NO SEE! HEEEEEY!
it's me!
OMG! hi everybody!!!! i am mainly writing this to my future self because i was just taking a lil’ peek at my older posts and let out a teeny weenie tear because i freaking love reading what past Kelsey has to say. words are SO cool. communication is SO cool. especially when its with yourself. SO WRITE things down ppl!
seriously, if no one else sees this, i rlly don't care hahahah but HEY future Kelsey. I love you. I'm so proud of the woman you have become.
I think the last time I wrote to this blog was when I was in the darkest place in my life. i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was lost, confused and broken. but God is close to us. God is so close to the brokenhearted. where there is pain, there is Jesus. but hey, aren't we all. the answer is yes, no matter how hard you try to hide it. actually the more you try to hide it, the more it shines. (Psalm 34:18)
for so long, up until a few weeks ago, i had a hard time reminding myself of that time in my life. because it's sad. i don't think anyone really likes to think about a time where they felt like their entire being was completely lost. but the incredible mystery and beauty of being lost is just being found again. and being found as a new person. one with history, with experience of feelings of sadness, depth, numbness but with history of joy and perseverance. with faith in a God who is bigger than anything we can FATHOM.
I ran from dark feelings for so long and WISHED + PRAYED that they would just vanish. for ENDLESS nights I would stay inside, not talk to anyone, being so anxious to say one word to someone because I would be afraid what they would think of me. I was a SLAVE to fear even when I believed I wasn't because of who God told me I was. but that is easier said than done. but the spirit was STIRRING in me in those times, and in His timing, I would see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was gaining empathy for my brothers and sisters who have felt depression and anxiety. I WAS LOSING MYSELF TO FIND JESUS. this is important. i needed revelation. i needed to be knocked down to truly trust and know that i need a savior.
James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
wow. this verse. is. so. good. "let PERSEVERANCE finish its work so that you may be MATURE and COMPLETE not lacking in anything." GOD IS WORKING!!!! and always is. but MAN is it so hard to see in the moment. when everyone is worried about you. when you are worried about yourself. when your mad. when you are SCREAMING AT GOD. i've done it. i'm emotional, people. but thank Jesus for the Holy Spirit.
doesn't it SUCK when we just can't seem to EVER get out of our heads. I remember telling my boyfriend one time when I was really sad, "I wish I could just stop thinking, and just live." and that just stuck with me. my own little Kelsey words.... why DO we think so much. why DO we plan so much when there is SO MUCH beauty in mystery. why why why???? and I think I know the answer.
we are so obsessed with organizing our lives, to make sure everything goes to our plan, that we forget about the exact moment we are in. we forget about the gift of the present. Y'ALL i KNOW i am sounding so cliche. but LOOK AROUND YOU people. this life is only so beautiful because of the mystery it holds. we don't know what tomorrow looks like but guess what, God does. lean into that, and REALLY lean into that. meaning WEAR whatever the heck you wanna wear, DANCE like ones watching, hug and kiss ur friends (when its safe of course) and LAUGH. the fact that we worry so much means we care. we all just care. we all just have these soft lil' tender hearts that want to protect ourselves and those who we love, but if we REALLY care, we must give our cares to the LORD. for He knows best. our God is one of grace and freedom and LOVE. and His love is so BIG that it covers EVERYTHING. think about that!!!!!!!!!!!!! if we give all our worries to the God of love and forgiveness, we are FREE.
I love reflecting. I love it. when thinking about the person i was 2 years ago, compared to the COMPLETELY different person I am today is so cool. like the coolest, and no words can really describe the beautiful transformation of my outlook on life after feeling like I was going through hell and back. and you know what? i hated it. i did. but i am PRAISING GOD for that time. seriously. i wouldn't trade it. why? because i have a better UNDERSTANDING of his power. i have a LONGING for the spirit for another break through in my life, another revelation. I have a WONDER that I didn't know was possible.
-- well, I really just went off on a tangent but that's what I do best. I don't like organization anyways hahahahah. never have, and that's okay, because God's got me. and He's got you. He sees you and adores you. and when i say sees you, He is sitting with you in your struggle, He is CRYING with you. His heart is BREAKING for you and He's asking you to trust, He is asking you to lay down your worries and your heart, and let him TAKE IT and HOLD it.
the narrative that we have to be anything but ourselves for God to love us needs to go. when did we start forgetting about who Jesus is? when we start focusing on how BIG God's love is for us, we stop trying to perform, to reach this unrealistic form of perfection. we start to realize we are broken and straight up NEED GOD. and that's it. and that's beautiful. to be in a ROMANCE with what Jesus did and with WHO Jesus is. He is perfect but still died in order for SHAME AND GUILT to die to. He lived and loved for us to not TRY SO HARD to uphold this "christian" image. that goes out the WINDOW when we focus on how TRULY GOOD GOD IS. the God of HOPE covers all wrongs.
listen because someone needs to hear this: feelings of shame + guilt are NOT from God.
only conviction with HOPE + LOVE attached are from God so that you may truly live a life in FREEDOM. when the spirit invades that space, you may feel FREE !!!!!! 2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
you will get exhausted if you try to "save" yourself. that's why God sent Jesus!!!!!!!! so we can find REST from the WORLD. you will be beat down, tired, and confused. you will get prideful & think that since you are doing all the "right" things, God is proud of you. LISTEN HERE. GOD IS SO PROUD OF YOU RIGHT NOW. HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH. AND LOVE MEANS SO MUCH. LOVE MEANS GRACE. LOVE MEANS JOY. LOVE MEANS WARMTH. LOVE MEANS HOPE. lay your life down, lay down your expectations, what YOU think GOD expects from you & GOD WILL WRECK YOUR HEART in the most beautiful way because ONLY He can do so. not you!!!!
the second you think you have to "be anything" for God to love you, is the SECOND you doubt how BIG His love is.
my goodness, YOU are SO loved and God is so proud of you and sees you blameless & holy !!!!!! He sees you white as snow. He loves you when you doubt yourself. He loves you when you doubt HIM. He loves you over and over and over and over and over and do NOT let anyone tell you different.
here is a little poem that I wrote when I was in a dark place. how BEAUTIFUL is God that He SPOKE this to me in a time of TURMOIL!!!!! WOW GOD.
This life is not mine.
Always.
until next time... ALL THE LOVE,
kels :-)
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